“Do you have any idea where you are?”
[DISCLAIMER: This blog might not make sense and probably isn't funny and/or clever because I was really tired when I wrote it. You might just want to skip this post and read Andrew's blog instead. You'd get the same effect and I think his is shorter.]

Yesterday was a nice day. I did stuff. Real stuff. I got fully dressed. I didn’t even remember where I kept my shoes it had been so long since I’d worn them. I found them in my closet though, so it all worked out.

Anyway, I woke up yesterday morning with my maid Marta here. I realize this sounds like something Amanda would say. Actually, she’d probably say something like, “Stephanie, I don’t have a maid. I have a cleaning crew.” knowing her.. but I don’t have Marta every day. Just Fridays.. and I like to think of her more as like.. a family friend who we pay to.. you know.. tidy up a bit. Not so much a maid of sorts..

In any event, she was cleaning the hall bathroom, and I needed to use it so that I could shower.
“Umm.. Marta?” I walked up to her and she looked at me with a blank expression as if to say ‘why are you bothering me?’ “I need to use the bathroom.”
She looked at me and shook her head.
“You have no idea what I’m saying do you?”
She shook her head “No”.
“Right.. ok, I can do this. I had an A in Spanish.” I said and she shook her head “no” again.
“Yeah..” I said slowly as my mother came up behind me.
“You only had an A because Matt did your homework.” She said as she passed me in the hallway.
“Hey! That’s not true! He only did that one major project that was 30% of my grade!” I argued back.
“Oh, I know what you tell Marta.” She said stopping.
“What?” I asked, hoping she honestly did know.
“Call Matt for help.”
“No!” I said annoyed, “I’m gonna do this myself.”
And there I stood for about two minutes until I finally remembered how to say I need the bathroom.
“Yo necesito el bano…?” I was hesitant because I didn’t know if I had formed the sentence correctly.
Marta seemed to understand that though and nodded as she left the bathroom.
Mission accomplished. I am.. well.. at least capable of saying I needed the bathroom. I think.. Yes. Go me.

So once I was all showered and such, my mother, sister, and I all piled into the car to pick up Matty because we were taking him out for his birthday (which was the 23rd). We only got a little lost on the way to the middle of nowhere where Matt lives, which also happens to be just two blocks away from Ms. Sandberg (well.. Mrs. Henzel now.); and then my mother, who’s driven to Matt’s house before on numerous occasions, turned into the wrong driveway.

We did eventually locate Matt who was kind enough to direct us to his house and then walk to our car which was in the wrong driveway, and we went off to lunch.

Lunch was fun. I was able to eat meat for the first time in a while. That was terribly exciting (for me anyway after days of pasta and liquids; and for my sister who I nearly banned from ordering a hamburger if I couldn’t eat meat). I managed to not get most of it caught in my expander, also good.. The highlight was probably when Matty got a call from an unknown person who I am going to assume is White, female, and between the ages of 12 and 18.. and my mother and I shouted various phrases like, “Matt, put your shirt back on.” And “Matt, who’s that other girl you’re talking to?” Too confident to be embarrassed the kid merely smiled while he shooed his caller away.

Then my mother made friends with the waiter. My mother makes friends wherever she goes. This time, it was with the waiter, whose name I can’t remember.. we’ll call him Brad, at the Cheesecake Factory. If you’re out there Brad, and you’re by some chance reading this, I’m sure my mom says hi and wants to know how your aunt is in Poughkeepsie. And your brother? How’s he? Great.

After lunch we went to the Phoenician. Why the Phoenician you ask? Because my mother felt like going there and I’m not one to complain when asked to accompany someone to an overpriced café in the middle of a resort, so I said not a word.

I love going to hotels and stealing whatever isn’t bolted down or too big to fit into my purse. Fun times.. Towels, pens.. bendy straws given out by guys named Mario who listen to Nine Inch Nails or some sort of rubbish.. Ashtrays.. frames that say ‘ice water’ in the conference rooms.. tiny soaps.. tiny shampoos.. coasters.. the possibilities are really endless. And I mean, please, name one person who doesn’t like those mini shampoos and conditioners. Name one and I’ll give you my collection of mini hotel keepsake items and assorted facial towels.

While at the Phoenician, I got excited because I thought I saw a midget. I had my camera ready and everything, but then, Matt pointed out (since he has better eye sight than I do) that it was only a small child.. not a little person. Greatly disappointed, I had to slip Leroy the camera back into his case and try not to hide my state of upsetion. And no, that’s not a real word, so get over it. If Mandi and Janna can say things like “Awesomest” I can say “upsetion” so back off.

Matty was tired after a long day and not spotting any nose jobs (NONE at all. I guess they all went on vacation) so we took him home. I had fun, Matty had fun, we all had fun, and it was a good day. I have pictures so they’ll be up as soon.

The following morning was my sister’s birthday. I got up early to watch her open her gifts and then later we all went to dinner and a movie.

Speaking of movies, I was talking to Matt this evening about 28 Days Later, a movie I will never see. After explaining to Matt that I would never see the movie, he said (quoting here) “ur stupid.”

And then I start thinking.. yea ok. It didn’t hurt me emotionally (well maybe a little) but only because I hear it like.. well a lot.

But why do I want to pay six bucks (that’s with student ID) to scare the shit out of myself? I mean, I can get that for free by watching reruns of the Rupaul show.

Then I bypassed all of that and started thinking about the writer, a Mr. Alex Garland. Apparently a “brilliant first time screen writer” says VillageVoice.com.
Now, tell me, exactly what kind of person does Mr. Garland have to be to write something called “Startlingly gruesome.” by Filmthreat.com. I mean, honestly. I get to thinking things like.. Where did he grow up? What were his parents like? What kind of student was he? Has he had any abusive relationships? What’s the deal with the monkeys? Mr. Garland (strange that he’d share the last name as Judy Garland.) obviously must have had some emotional traumas in his life to create a movie so dark. I really don’t know though. I haven’t seen this movie and its late and I think at this point a lot of babbling is going on.

So anyway- I saw Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle and I have to say, that was definitely a thriller.. Especially the part where Hollywood sweetheart Drew Barrymore kisses Marty McFly’s father. You might know him as Crispin Glover though. Either way, this guy is totally creepy.

There I blogged.
I hope the harassing IMs stop now.

Quote of the day:
“We might not be here when you get back.”
-- Matt when I was going to leave him and my mother alone for about 2 minutes at the café.

Hi, I wrote a blog, but blogger isn't working at the moment and I'm very tired so I think I'll just post what I wrote tonight later tomorrow.
Its ok, I don't think the blog made much sense anyway so maybe I'm just saving you? I hope this mini post makes sense, I'm so out of it right now.
I'm going to bed.

Hopefully, I can fix this later.

"When you’re not supposed to eat bagels… do microwaved Bagel Bites™ count?"

Matt wanted me to blog today.. and I wasn’t going to because nothing particularly exciting was happening. But then, around 8 PM, something did happen. Something did. I was in my room, talking to myself, trying to get used to my appliance, when I got frustrated and yelled so that my mother could hear me, “I SOUND LIKE FRICKIN’ JAN BRADY!”

And then an idea hit me.
I am a genius when it comes to mimicking.. I bet I could do a Jan impression.
And indeed, I could.
I now do a perfect Jan Brady.
My life is complete.

I got so excited I then set TiVo to tape 3 Brady Bunch episodes.

In other news, I ate pasta today practically successfully! YAY for (semi)solid food!

Quote of the day:
Stefi: “Mommy! Mommy! Listen! :puts on Jan voice: I do too have a boyfriend! His name is George… George Glass.”
Mommy: “You’re insane.”
Stefi: “Admit it, that’s good.”

“I wonder if Bush was the one looking up "little Billy caught masturbating by dad?"

Gosh, I haven’t blogged in a while…
So here’s what’s going on in my life:
I can drive. (Kind of.. I have my permit.)
I can’t speak. (I got my expander.)

Oh yea, life’s grand.

Thursday night was the Last Supper. My parents, feeling sorry for me because I was getting the expander, took me out to the restaurant of my choice; Chevy’s.
Hey, I like Chevy’s. Americanized Mexican Food. What more is there to love?
Plus, they had chips and I wanted to crunch away since I knew I wouldn’t be able to once I got the expander on because it was the beginning of Brace Face Hell.

After dinner, my father decided I should drive.. which is rather funny if you ask me since.. you know.. I’ve never driven before in my life.

There’s a first time for everything though I suppose.

So.. set up:
The whole family is in the car.
Mishaps ensue.

“Stephanie’s turn.” My dad said from the front seat.
I looked at my dad like he was insane, “Ahhhh… no.” I said.
“Come on.” He said to me.
“You’ll all die.” I said as I got out of the car to take his place.
“I’m getting in the back.” My mother said as she got out of the car to move to my seat.
“We're gonna go around the block,” He said to me from the passenger side.
“I highly doubt that.” I answered back as I turned the car back on.
“OK, Check your mirrors.” My dad instructed me before I backed out of the driveway, “Look out of your back window.”
“Ma’am,” I turned around to my mom who just the other day had been complaining that she believed her head was too big, “Can you please bend your head down? Its abnormally large and obstructing my view.”
She laughed but bent her head down nonetheless. (Her head is not abnormally huge though.)
I begin to now actually back out. I’m barely moving and my mother screams “SLOW DOWN YOU’RE GOING TOO FAST!”
I rolled my eyes, put my foot on the break and along with my dad turned around and said, “Shut up!” It was the first thing we ever agreed on together.
I backed out successfully, and turned the corner of our street successfully, but then, I got a little too cocky and nearly gave my father a heart attack when I stepped on the gas and not the breaks.
Granted, I think I only pushed the speed to 30 MPH and at the time I was only going about 20 anyway.. but I think he thought in a split second we were going to die. It didn’t really help that my mom and my sister screamed from the backseat practically the entire ride…
My dad totally freaked out.
“GET OUT OF THE CAR! That’s it! You are not ready to drive!”
“Daddy! I’ve never driven before in my life! Give me a chance!” I argued.
He continued to tell me off anyway as I sat behind the wheel.
“BLUE.” I started again (my dad likes that I call him Blue.), “I HAVE NEVER DRIVEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE. Calm down.”
He did calm down, but nonetheless, decided that he would drive the rest of the way (an entire three feet.) home. And very calmly, once he turned the car off said to me, “I think maybe we should just get you driving lessons.” He said he just couldn’t “take the anxiety” of teaching me himself.

I didn’t think I was that bad..

Friday was the day I got my expander.
I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as I did that fateful Friday.
I cried a lot.
I sound like Jan Brady. I kid you not. Jan Brady. Its.. bad.
They say that with an expander you have to practice talking.. so I am, but.. still its pretty sad. I believe its payback for making fun of midgets.

Bless Lindsey Haine’s heart though. She explained a lot of things about the expander to me and kept me from giving up all hope. I’m not saying I stopped crying, but she made me feel a lot better about having this appliance (which I named John) in my mouth.

Saturday evening, my mother wanted to go to the movies and despite my situation, figured it was ok since you don’t talk during a movie.
So of course that would mean that before the movie I’d see someone I knew from school.
“STEPHANIE!” I heard someone shout my name but didn’t look up.
“STEPHANIE!” They shouted again and I hated myself for not wearing a hat and sunglasses like the movie stars do when they go out and aboot. Why didn’t I go incognito?
My mother nudged me, “Stephanie, do you know them?”
“Hmm? What? Um.. no.” I said.
“They keep calling your name.” My mother said.
I looked up to see this kid Nick I know waving to me and walking over.
“Hey!” He said.
“Oh hi.” I said back because saying ‘hey’ with the appliance did not sound good.
“What movie are you seeing?” He asked.
“Alex and Emma.” I said as clearly as I possibly could manage.
“I just got out of The Hulk.” He told me, “Don’t see it. I gotta go. Brother’s waiting. I’ll see you though ok?”
“Yea, ok. Bye!” I said, happy that the conversation was over.

I never knew what it was like not being able to speak clearly. Like.. it’s giving me a whole new perspective on life. I know that sounds totally stupid, but I feel that way. I think a lot more about what I actually say too. Before I’d shout pretty much anything out, but now I’m thinking because it’s difficult for me to speak, so if I want to say something, I want to make it good. Its just.. weird. I can’t explain it.
And that was my Hallmark Moment of the month.

Enough of that because now, for your enjoyment we have a little something Matt MacDonald put together. A special exclusive just for Self Improvement is Masturbation readers. You will not see this anywhere else.

Matt MacDonald presents;

To Smirk or Jerk - Smiles Hiding Hidden Desires
A coming of age erotic short story

He sat lonely at his computer desk, the clock next to him proudly displaying the wee hours of the morning that had captured all his time as of late. The school year was ending and the young boy was slowly running out of time to reveal his "secret." Only a select few of the boy's friends knew of his secret yearning to experience others of his same gender. Never really interested in girls, the school year had proven to the boy that his true interests lay in the cock. Unfortunately, he was much too shy to disclose his secret to anyone other than his close circle of friends. Even more tragic, the boy's young Christian male friend had proved to be the love of his live and each day spent without telling him his true feelings ate away at the boy's inner soul.

The late hours staring at the computer screen seemed to pass swiftly. Pornographic images of male on male penis sucking came and went, but the burning desire to experience it for himself remained. Marred with a lackluster self-confidence, the boy made it his mission to prove his heterosexuality and gain the trust of his love and his accompanying Christian values. The boy believed that if his friend trusted him to be straight, then they could become closer. That way, the budding Christian would fall madly in love with the boy and their feelings could become mutual and there would be no need to hide his love of the dick. But until then, the boy contemplated ways to prove himself to be straight. He finally came to the conclusion that he would write an erotic story detailing various heterosexual acts in order to be seen as the "typical" guy and be written off as just another horny teenager. Horny; yes, but very atypical nonetheless in that his burning hormones were aimed at the eager rumps of defenseless boys.

The boy spent the remaining days of school writing his story. Skipping classes, lunch, and foregoing sleep, the boy concentrated solely on the work of literature that would ultimately prove to his unsuspecting peers that he was straight. After many days of hard work, the boy posted the story on his website and waited for the reaction that he hoped would come. There was no response… "What could have gone wrong?" the boy thought. "Why haven't people commented?" The boy sought out the advice of the Jewish Goddess- the funniest of all his friends and asked her, "All knowing deity, why has no one commented on my story?" The deity looked at him and shook her head. "That's because you're an idiot and it sucks. Everyone knows you're gay." The boy was crushed. His attempts at heterosexual ramification had proved futile. He scampered to his bedroom and cried the day away.

Worried about his friend, the young Christian boy called the boy, asking why he hadn't spoken to him all day. The boy couldn't help but give in and tell him the truth. The boy poured his heart and soul out. He told him of his love for him, how he tried to hide it, how he wanted to make it all better. The Christian boy remained silent. "Well? Are you going to say anything?" the boy asked. Still silence. "I'll be right over," said the Christian boy. The boy sat confused; still in shock from his friends reaction. He was not expecting that at all. But all the while it strangely excited him, not knowing how his friend felt. Perhaps it wasn't such a bad idea to tell him after all…

The door bell rang. Luckily for the boy, his parents had taken his siblings out to dinner and the house was to himself for the evening. The boy hurriedly ran to the door to let his Christian friend in. The Christian friend looked very concerned; he carried a serious look upon his face and carried what seemed to be an almost nervous demeanor about him. "Let's sit down," said the Christian boy. He played with his hands, trying to find a distraction from the words he was forcing from his lips. "Being so involved with church, I've never really been able to truly tell anyone how I actually feel," explained the Christian boy, "but to be totally honest, I've always held a secret passion for other males; you in particular. You've always been there for me and just being around you has always given me butterflies in my stomach. I… I… I…" the friend stammered. "I love you," finished the boy. An awkward silence followed. Their feelings were out in the open, but they were unsure of what exactly came next. The Christian boy took charge of the moment. His hand shook as he timidly reached towards the boy's and took it within his own. They embraced and held each other, comforting each other's insecurities and knew that their bond went beyond friendship. They were more than platonic. The boy broke from the hug and looked deeply, intently into his lover's eyes, "I've wanted to do this since the day I met you." He proceeded to kiss his friend, grabbing his head ever so firmly and massaged his tongue with his own. The two quickly dropped to the floor and their gentle kiss quickly turned into a violent smacking of tongue, lips, and saliva. The boys' hands roamed over each other, grasping and locking onto any handful of flesh they could. They both could feel the growing heat emitting from their crotches and they knew that their desires could only be prolonged for so long.

The Christian boy once again took charge and removed his and the boy's shirts, making his mouth down to the boy's nipple and playfully biting it. The boy's senses were going crazy. Any sexual experience was new to him, let alone the kind he had been so familiar with during his late night internet escapades. His cock was bursting from his pants and he quickly undid his belt and removed them. His friend followed. There they sat, pitching tents in their Joe Boxers and kissing and rubbing all over. The taboo lust that they felt only added fuel to the fire in their crotches. They simply could not hold back anymore. They ripped off their undergarments and jumped at the site of the other boy's penis. Taking the Christian's whopping 4.8 incher in his mouth, the boy stroked and licked and rubbed just as he had imagined doing in every wet dream he had had since the beginning of the school year. The Christian buckled his knees, as if he was possessed by the Holy Spirit. The boy rose to his feet and said "turn around and bend over." The Christian's eyes widened with curiosity and excitement as the boy began to plow him in the ass. Ramming away at the virgin bum, the boy became truly happy. The love of his life felt the same he did and there he was, taking it in the pooper as they pronounced their love through the lovely act of sodomy. The boy's past frustrations and pent up emotions erupted in magnificent display of milky white semen all over the young Christian's back and cheeks. The boy licked up his own fireworks and once again passionately kissed his love. He felt at ease; at peace with the world. He was truly content.

Months passed and the boy and his friend decided to keep their affair a secret from the world. But beneath the public eye, they engaged in all the activities that satisfied their enormous sexual appetite. When asked by his friends how he was coping to still being homosexual and not being accepted, the boy simply smirked, thinking fondly upon his encounter with his lover. He shrugged it off towards his friends and always said "he dealt" with it, but deep down his heart skipped a beat at the very thought of sharing his soul and semen with his love. He was always confronted with the conflict of to smirk or jerk when thinking of his male to male penis sessions, but oh what a decision to make…

The end.

I hope you all enjoyed.

Quote of the day:
Matt: “Yes well, when you have foreign objects in your mouth its gonna be harder to talk. Ask Shelby.”

"Come on Stephanie, you can be my ASSistant! Say it like that! Its funny!"

I just woke up, but I was going over the book with my mother and this occurred;

Stefi: “I love how they give you these stupid ideas, ‘To signal for assistance on the free way, tie a white handkerchief or scarf to the radio antenna, or raise the hood of the car…”
Mommy: “And wait to be raped.”
Stefi: “Someone will arrive shortly.”
Mommy: “Oh… we make ourselves giggle.”
-- My mother just now when I was going over the book

It may just be that I'm half asleep.. but I thought it was funny...
So yea.. there you go.

"Retards get helmet head."

I’d like to start off this blog with a quote (Doesn’t this boggle your mind? Usually the quotes are at the end!).

"Comedy isn't acting funny; comedy is what's produced by making things that are funny serious and believable."
– Ashton Kutcher

I think its fair to say that he brought all of his wisdom to the big screen in a gem entitled Just Married. …. (that was sarcasm by the way).

OK, that’s unfair to him, he also brought us Punk'd which is the best show next to The Real World: Paris on MTV.

Anywho-
Everyone have a good and proper weekend?

Happy Belated Father’s Day to all of you teen father’s out there who read my blog. I hope your 16-year-old slut got you something nice today because, after all; you donated your sperm to her. The least she could do is get you something decent, right?

I bought (and by “I” I mean I went with my mother to Best Buy and watched her pick out and then pay for) a digital camera for my dad. I was half asleep when he opened it at 9:30 Sunday morning, but from his hugs and “Oh guys! Thanks!” I assume he liked it.

Nothing particularly interesting has happened to me at all that is blogable.
I have not had any exciting car chases ending with a hit and run (but only because I don’t drive... Yet.)
I have not lost my temper and ended up a gigantic green man (but amazingly- still wearing pants.)
And I have not found Nemo™ (but only because I did that last week.)
I don’t want to spoil the end of that movie for anyone.. but.. they find him. Yes.. they do.
I was as surprised as you are right now. I was like “Wait! No way! This is a Disney© movie! Why is this ending all happy? That’s insane!” Yea, crazy Disney©/Pixar© people.

Oh, and did anyone else cry at that movie? I felt like an ass. All of these five year olds were sitting in the theatre at the end of the movie like, “Mommy! Mommy! I want the movie tie in Disney© Nemo™ dolls! Go get me Movie Tie in Disney© memorabilia! I will whine if you don’t! Oh and I want more candy.”
And there I am; crying.
It wouldn’t have been so sad if he didn’t have that one fin that didn’t work as well as the other. That’s what got me. Like a baby I cried (even though the babies didn't cry at this particular movie) “Special” people and old people. That’s what makes me cry.

On another, more pressing matter, tomorrow I am taking my permit test.
I really hope I don’t fail.
I only truly started looking at the book around 9 pm tonight. Then I quizzed Matt (and then IMed random people with questions.. Sorry Shelby.. Sorry Julie.. Sorry Brianna… and Travis.. and Tyler.. )
However, that will be the first.. and last time I ever ask you things like; How do you get your car out of a skid…..? or What is the speed limit in a residential area…..? Which apparently everyone knew but me… But never again! Oh no, friends. Because I know now (25).

Yes.. so it’s a tad late.. I'm already 16..
But better late than never!

I know a lot of losers who don’t have their permits... but no longer will I be one of them!
Or.. at least I won't be anymore if I pass the test tomorrow..

Ahhh independence is just around the corner.. about five months and at least 25 hours (5 of those at night) of driving away…
This is coming from the girl who refused to sleep over anyone’s house until the age of 12 and cried when she lost her mom at a supermarket one day (Come on, I was only 13! Cut me some slack.. just kidding, I was just 10.) (No, I kid again, I was actually six. Really.)
Oh g0d I better pass that test.
Wish me luck. I want to see words of encouragement and well wishing in my comment section.

Quote of the day:
Stefi (in my half asleep state): I wonder if Shelby’s done it in a car?
Matt: im sure
Stefi (in my half asleep state): I bet that song "woke up in a car" has a totally different meaning for her
Matt: lol ouch
Stefi (in my half asleep state): well Jewel lived in a car
Matt: yeah
Stefi (in my half asleep state): so she probably holds that song dear
Matt: this is true
Stefi (in my half asleep state): and Shelby just screws in them
Stefi (in my half asleep state): so she probably holds it dear too
Stefi (in my half asleep state): just for a different reason
Stefi (in my half asleep state): do you think Jewel ever invited a guy back to her "home" [car] and then screwed him in her "room" [backseat]?
Matt: lol
Matt: i dont know
Stefi (in my half asleep state): and then she woke up in a car?
Matt: thatd be pretty funny
Stefi (in my half asleep state): it would be
-- the thoughts I come up with when I’m half asleep. Its about 2 AM right now. I doubt this blog will make sense later today to someone who has had more than four hours of sleep.. so enjoy everyone!

“I’m not laughing because its funny, I’m laughing because you’re scaring me.”

VaVaVirgil, my favorite little AIM Buddy, defines the word ‘Lazy’ as;

“lazy: adjective

inflected forms: la·zi·er, la·zi·est
1. resistant
2 work or exertion; disposed to idleness.
2. slow-moving; sluggish: a lazy river.
3. conducive to idleness or indolence: a lazy summer day.
4. depicted as reclining or lying on its side. used of a brand on livestock.

probably of low german origin.
other forms
la'zi·ly adv.la'zi·ness n.”

But just to make things easier for all of my loyal readers, I’m just gonna define lazy as my blogging routine. Yes.. I know.. I left you guys hanging once again.. I’m sorry. But honestly, how many of you actually care? I’m gonna bet.. Hmm. None of you.

What have I been doing instead of blogging you ask? Have I been a busy little beaver?
Umm.. no actually. I haven’t..
I mean, if you really wanted me to I could think really hard and come up with some excuse for not writing.. but truth be told- I just really didn’t feel like it. I’ve done nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
And every moment of that nothing has been fantastic.

I’m going out tonight though so maybe I’ll have something a little interesting to post by then. Who knows what tomorrow brings?

My cousin Alexandra is supposedly coming over tonight too, which is why I am unable to see The Italian Job starring my personal favorite Edward Norton, with my minions (and Jenna). That’s ok though because I’m meeting them after the Alexandra encounter, so it still works out.

I have yet another (one of about 10000 for the next year or so) orthodontist appointment tomorrow morning.
9 AM sharp.
Ouch. That stings me.

Not the fact that it’s the Ortho.. although, I’d probably be happier if it were like.. a spa appointment.. but the fact that its SO DAMN EARLY.

OK, maybe not SO damn early.. but I mean, I went to bed at 5:30 AM this morning.
I got up at 10:30 am.
Granted.. this was all my fault as I should have gone to bed earlier..

So.. as you see.. I am generally more tired than the average sixteen year old girl seeing how teenagers need at least eight hours of sleep (or so my parents and Sleep.com have told me) and I don’t know how.. but through the miracle of science (and Starbucks) I have been functioning off about five hours or less since about well… last July. So about a year.

Yes, even during the school year I was doing stupid things like going to bed at 2:30 AM and getting up at 5:45AM or so. Why do you think I had such a hard time processing real human emotions? How did I survive the lack of sleep? I have absolutely no idea. How am I dealing with this lack of sleep thing right now? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I think its all the smoothies and coffee I’ve had. I’ve found that less sleep really isn’t terrible though if you’re sitting around doing nothing.. which is pretty much all I’m doing right now.

In my opinion though, summer is not about sleeping at all. It’s not about regulations or routines or even showering on a regular basis. Summer is about being G0d damn hardcore and not sleeping, dammit! Not sleeping even if you have an ortho appointment at 9 AM the next morning. Its about staying up until the sun rises over the window adjacent to your computer, and then pouring yourself into bed and waking up 5 hours later with your mother yelling at you. That’s what summer is all about. That’s the American Dream and I’m living it to the fullest.

Or maybe that’s a bunch of bullshit and I’m making excuses as to why I’m not sleeping at night… Who knows? I’m too tired to care.

In other news; this reminded me of all of the labs I did in Mrs. Rosenbitch’s class.

Oh, and I posted Burning Party Pictures and Spot the Homeless pictures so have a gander at those. Go crazy, kids.

Quote of the day:
Unfortunately.. due to my lack of.. well.. doing much of anything.. there isn’t one for this post. If you feel compelled to send in a funny one, go ahead. Will it be posted? Probably not, but go ahead, send one in anyway.

New layout. I'm in the process of fixing everything right now so.. sorry to everyone who's trying to read a proper blog.
It should be fixed by tonight.

“Could you wipe off the cologne so we don’t add nausea to my symptoms?”

Went to the orthodontist Thursday.
Dr. Stieg is really nice. He’s been divorced about two years (or so rumor has it) and ever single woman who works at his office is drop dead gorgeous. Its like walking into a Victoria’s Secret Office Catalogue. I half expect wind machines and techno music as they switch bands and take impressions of people’s mouths.

The model who put my spacers in was Polish and of course, beautiful. She reminded me of like, a bond girl. She looked all official in her doctor’s coat over a trendy blue dress that she probably bought via mail order or internet. I couldn’t determine. Her red hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she was wearing glasses and is it just me or does it sound like I’m setting up a porn story? Jesus.

“Now, ven I poot zese in vu con’t eat eh, anyting chewy, or crunchy, or hard. Don’t eat ze Jujube.” She directed me as she shoved one of the spacers into my mouth.
When she was done I answered her, “Jujube?” I questioned. “Who even eats Jujube’s anymore? They’re so passé.” I joked.
She looked me square in the eye with what I would think might be her ‘death glare’.
“Vu’d be surprised.” She answered in her Dexter’s Laboratory voice as she raised an eyebrow.
My mother glared at me and shook her head.
Don’t joke around with Polish people.

“Afta ze spacas vu vill get your bents.” She told me.
Bents.. bents.. bents? What the hell is a bent? My mind started to wander and I tried to think back to the meeting I had a while back with Dr. Stieg about the procedures we were taking for my braces.. but I didn’t remember anything about ‘bents’.
I looked to my mother who shrugged. Such help.
As Polish Model -who’s name I don’t remember- was filling out my chart I asked her, in a polite manner of course, what exactly is a ‘bent’?
She looked at me as if I were a moron.
She started explaining in her accent something I could barely understand about metal somethings so then I realized she had meant BANDS not bents.
And so.. yea, that was anti-climatic.

After my adventure in orthopedic land, my mother and I ventured to the Starbucks down the road. Now, honestly, you have to love Starbucks. There’s one on every corner. That’s awesome. Coffee beverages at convenient distances.

I was standing in line waiting to order when I overheard this woman in front of me talking to what seemed like her older Asian man business partner. He was balding and she was stick thin and gave the appearance of Olive Oyl from the Popeye series complete with limp hair and a flat chest. Her misfortune in looks was terribly noticeable but probably wouldn’t be as bad if she chose to dress like a woman instead of a man.
“I’m really actually quite boring when it comes to food and drinks,” She said to her friend. “I never really get .. crazy.” She moved her arms in an uproarious manner as she said crazy, as if that would help her argument. “Maybe I should get a grande chocolate brownie frappacino?” She thought out loud. “But if I do that.. then I won’t have my usual drink.. which is a grande latte. But my usual drink is so boring! I’m boring. Aren’t I?” She turned away from the Starbucks menu and to her partner.
He was staring off out of the window, but then noticed Olive Oyl staring at him, “Hmm?” he asked.
She huffed a little and squared her shoulders, “Never mind.”
She ended up ordering a Grande Latte… just in case anyone really cared.

I haven’t eaten solid foods since Wednesday. I tried to eat pasta last night but that ended horribly.. If I’m getting all worked up over spacers.. I can’t even imagine what its gonna be like with the braces. However, on the upside, I found that I make some kick ass smoothies.

I get to take the typical teenage banausic approach to summer this year since my mother is cutting off all funding soon. I had to call Jaberg&Wilk/Berens/Kozub/Nussbaum yesterday so that I could find out what was going on job wise. Thank G0d for nepotism.

Quote of the day:
“THAT’S who you pretend to be with Jenna? What exactly goes on while you pretend to be these T.a.T.u girls?”
-- My mother freaking out after seeing T.a.T.u on the MTV movie awards.

“It’s feedin’ time.”

Hello boys and girls.
Its Howdy Doody Time.

As you may have already read in Andrew’s blog..
Monday I went to Mandi’s little do-dad at Club Atlas with Jenna and Stephanie Brown.

Ok, so you’re inside a club.. “What does one do at a club?” you ask yourself.
Well, did it ever occur to you to perhaps DANCE?
I swear to G0d. Andrew and I were forcing people to dance.
And then once we finally got them to dance they kind just bobbed.
I thought Andrew was going to have a heart attack.
Eventually, Kasia joined us and she started doing something on the dance floor. It was moving at least. So that was good. More people came after Kasia started.. moving.. because Kasia is what one might call “hot” and guys follow anything that’s “hot” and where there are guys, there are other girls. So pretty soon everyone was dancing.

Thankfully, Shelby (who really can dance) finally cut herself away from some ‘fro headed 14 year old boy and came to dance with us, so the day was saved.

Not for long though, because immediately after she joined us, she began having sex with Spike. OK, not really.. she was just getting really into the whole grinding deal.

I don’t really know what Spike was doing while Shelby was having sex with him. Moving his arms spastically.
Knocking every innocent bystander within a five foot radius. Spike got better with the whole dancing thing as the night wore on though. Thankfully, for the safety of others.

Then Shelby had sex with Gibboni.
Gibboni is very good looking.
However, Gibboni doesn’t dance.
He can bob and shake spastically kind of like Spike (except worse).. but dancing.. no. It didn’t matter though because Shelby was having a good time rubbing up against him and I don’t really think Gibboni minded this whole rubbing deal either. It was a win/win situation.

The best part of the evening was watching Spike give Gibboni dancing lessons.
"No, like this," You see Spike showing Gibboni (who by the end of the night was dubbed Bigboni. Don’t really want to get into that one. Though I believe its pretty self-explanatory.) some random grinding move and Gibboni trying to copy it. The lesson didn’t really work out for Gibboni though. He's cute enough that his dancing abilities didn't really pose a major problem for him. The usual swarm of girls were buzzing around him all night. So he had no worries.

I tried to keep my grinding to a minimum (Shut up, Jenna.). Thomas came up to me and started practically humping me and I knocked him off of me causing some sort of a domino effect where he bumped into several people who in turn bumped into other people. Jenna however, did grind with Thomas.
This is amazing in itself. Blog worthy.
Another historic blog moment:
Not only did Jenna Stokes leave her house.. but she actually.. danced. Yes. Danced-
With Thomas.

I couldn’t believe she tore herself away from sitting at the table making fun of people to do it.
Although, I must say.. making fun of people does pass the time quite nicely…

Grinding, mind you, is over-rated. I’m just kidding when I make a big deal out of it, but honestly, unless you’re like.. Shelby.. or.. half naked.. grinding isn’t that bad. I know some people are like “OMG! YOU GRINDED?” Yea, get over it. Its DANCING. Ever see a nice little movie called Dirty Dancing featuring Jennifer Grey pre-nose job and Patrick Swayze? If not and you’re offended by grinding I suggest you rent it.
Even if you aren’t offended by grinding I suggest you rent it because the movie is just that good.
Plus, they’re making a remake with Mya that’s due out next fall and you should see the original first.

Anyway..
So yea.. Jenna left because she felt sick after dancing with Thomas (Just kidding.. It was past her curfew.) and Andrew, Stephanie Brown, and I decided we needed food. We headed off to Islands, which is kind of like our usual hang out, only to find it closed. Feeling defeated, we retreated to our sanctuary; Barnes and Noble, grabbed some beverages from Starbucks and I started calling around for open restaurants (you know, because I’m resourceful like that..). Andrew was so hungry he almost considered eating from a box of left over pizza from The California Pizza Kitchen that we found lying by the fountain outside of B&N. Almost. I’m so very happy he didn’t.
Nothing was open at the eleventh hour except In N Out burger, so we ate there. Better than a random box of pizza leftovers I say.

Tuesday was my father’s birthday. I’m sure the details would bore you, so I’ll skip over that. It was nice though. He was happy. He got a tad giddy at dinner and we all had a jolly time. Plus, cake was involved, and where there is cake there is happiness.. Usually anyway.

Wednesday was the Justified/Stripped concert at America West Arena with “special guests” Black Eyed Peas. Let me tell you a lil’ somethin’ somethin’ about these Black Eyed Peas.
Ok, first of all, any band that has the same name as a restaurant can’t be that great (With the exception of Chili from TLC.) And second, when you have a song called “Let’s Get Retarded”, you know you must be going places…
Yes, that’s correct.
I’m sitting in my fabulous (although not as fabulous as Jenna’s) seats (that I loved so much I named mine Kenny) with Amanda and I turned to her and said,
“It sounds like they’re saying ‘Let’s get retarded,”
She listened intently to the song until they sang the chorus and laughed, “Yea, it does.” She answered.
The song went on, and each time the chorus was sung I listened for what the words could have really been. When the song ended however, the lead singer made an announcement that said, “Hey, we're just playing around. We wanna have a little fun. No offense to the real mentally challenged kids out there. We're not talking about those kind of retarded people."
Classy.

I had some gay people next to me who I think got up and down about.. 7 times throughout the entire show to get a “refill”. It was so annoying, but they were good company. I liked them. We talked a little. Gay people seem to like me. I really don’t know why. I’m like Bette Midler or something. I don’t get it. Its nice though, I mean, I’ll always have shopping buddies. The only gay person who doesn’t like me is Ben G(r)ay. I think that’s just because he has some issues to sort out though.. Issues between him and Jesus.

The concert was really brilliant. I liked the fact that we didn’t have to wait an hour between each act like you do at most concerts. Each act came within ten minutes of each other. It was nice. Xtina was good. She started out with Dirrty and did all of her good songs (except Cruz. I really wanted her to sing that) from the Stripped album along with some Etta James and older stuff. Justin was good, too. He sang some Nsync stuff like Gone and Girlfriend and he beat boxed. That beat boxing in combination with dancing and the whole scruffy look he had going on, is really, really hot. Highlight: When Justin was singing "Like I Love You" instead of saying "so and so are dating" he said "Brit and J are dating." Oh yes he did.


After the show, Jenna’s Daddy gathered Jenna, Amanda, and me and took us up to his office in the building across from AWA so he could grab a few things before taking us back to Jenna’s house. The office building was so quiet it was weird. I was practically deaf from the concert. I couldn’t hear a thing anyone was saying to me. And then I called my mom to tell her the concert was over and I couldn’t hear her either. I had to guess at what she was saying. I’m sure I didn’t make sense, and for all I know my mother didn’t either. I seriously had no clue as to what she was saying. It was the weirdest feeling not being able to hear. I usually don’t have that much of a problem after a concert, but for some reason I did tonight.

We got to Jenna’s house and talked for a bit while her dad pretended not to be listening to our mindless chatter. Then my mommy came and we all went home. And that was my night.

I’m so stupid. Its 3:20 AM and I have to get up tomorrow for a 9 AM orthodontist appointment so that I can get spacers.
Not that I don’t have enough spaces between my teeth..

Quote of the day:

Matt: oh god
Matt: ur nostril
Matt: let me touch it
-- Matt making fun of people with weird festishes.

“Your energy level is higher than that of a charged particle.”

Here’s the post we’ve all been waiting for.
Or at least the one that the most people have been bugging me about.

Yes, the burning party.
A success I believe.

Not as many people came as we had estimated, but that was because of the parents. I got about 7 IMs that morning and 2 calls from people saying their parents were concerned about this whole.. chemistry fire thing.. which is why they couldn’t come. I think its ok though.. not that we wouldn’t have loved having more people there.. but, I think the smaller number made for a more intimate party atmosphere. That sounded so cheap, but I mean it. Had 80 people been there, the fire would have been seriously out of control. It was bad enough with the 12 people we did have. The wind made everything more difficult than we anticipated.

I arrived at the party early to hang out with Stephanie Brown and Jenna Stokes. OK.. if you hate snakes (which I do) then I suggest you don’t enter her house. She has like 900 snakes in cages and one loose snake. This was enough to make me jump constantly. I kept thinking I was stepping on a snake or looking at a snake and yea. Just, not cool. I didn’t even have to see the snakes to feel like I was surrounded by them. I just.. ew, anything with like.. scales and stuff are just.. ugh. I don’t like them. So yea. I spent a good portion of the evening praying to G0d I didn’t see the snake that was loose because I’ve honestly had nightmares about things like that. I kept trying to push Andrew in front of me. As if he could honestly save me from the snakes. That’s a joke.

When everyone arrived, we got down to business burning stuff. Of course, I took proper safety precautions and wore goggles and my hair up. Safety first people. (I was also wearing the ONE shirt Rosie hated the most.. The infamous FCUK shirt. Only instead of it saying FCUK FASHION, I wore a sticker that covered the fashion bit and said ROSIE so the shirt read FCUK ROSIE. It was nice.) We all made our little speeches before we actually started burning our papers. A few people gave us stuff to burn for them and then we made s’mores (I have no idea if I spelled that right) over the open fire of chemistry papers. I don’t know if this was a toxic fire or not because we did burn some of those laminated green periodic tables, but, the s’mores were good and no one died, so its ok.

Stephanie Brown and I expected people to be leaving soon after this (we thought the party would honestly last about an hour if that), but instead they started playing some g0d awful playstation game known as DDR and then we ventured out to Starbucks. Starbucks is always good. It was late so we went to the Starbucks in Barnes and Noble. Andrew and I decided to show the people who came with us what we do pretty much every Friday, so we grabbed some coffees and then went straight to the sex book section of the store. Really mature, I know.

Barnes and Noble tries to hide the sex book section of the store by calling it the “Self-Improvement” shelf, but, we all know what really goes on there. While looking at books tentatively titled things like “Tangent Sex” and “1001 Ways to Eat Out.” Eric’s mom came.

Now.. if you don’t know much about Eric.. you should know his parents are major Right Wingers.. and if you don’t know what that means.. think White Republican Christians. So we’re standing around the Sex Book section when she comes and Eric is just itching to get out of there while his mother tries to make idle chit chat with us.
“Did you have fun?” she drawled.
“Yea.” We all said in unison, then, Lindsey piped up with;
“Everything burned really well!”
“Burned? What?” Eric’s mom turned to him.
“Yea……. She didn’t know about the burning stuff..” Eric said sheepishly.
The party stood there helplessly.
“Look at this!” Stephanie Brown came around the corner holding up a book, “Kosher Adultery!”
We stood there frozen as she held up the book in front of us.
There was nothing we could do to stop her.
“Hi.” Stephanie Brown said to Eric’s mom as she slowly put the book down and then disappeared once again into the Self-Improvement isle.
“Come on, Eric. Let’s go before you’re in any more trouble.” His mother turned her back to us and began walking out of the store.
“Bye Eric.” We said collectively. I think we all felt bad for him. I’m sure he had a really pleasant ride home.

It might be the last we see of Eric for a while.

We went back to Stephanie’s house. Pretty much the entire party had left now and it was down to me, Jenna, Stephanie, and Andrew.
Jenna and I were getting bored watching Stephanie and Andrew play Donkey Kong the early years so we started making fun of that Russian girl band, T.a.T.u.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Andrew or Stephanie laugh that hard. You really had to be there to appreciate any of it, but damn. It was funny. It entertained us for a good half hour.

Then my mom took Jenna home because it was past midnight and her parents were getting a tad angry (since they’re not used to Jenna going out at night.). Then I came home and stayed up until about 4.

And that, ladies and gentlemen was my first day of summer vacation.
Pictures coming soon.

Quote of the day:
“Look 101 Ways to Satisfy Your Man. Make it last.”
-- Andrew to some girl who was engaged and arguing with her sister about how she couldn’t ‘be seen in this [sex book] section’.

Ahhh you can tell when I have no desire to blog.
I appologize for the lame ass blog.. the pictures will make up for it.