"I can’t believe this! Stupid Business!"

Dear faithful readers,

Hi there. This is Matt. I am writing a blog for Stefi. She lent me control of the computer. Muahaha. Anywho, I would like to share my day with you. I was promptly awoken this morning at the early hour of 5:45; a most brightening start to this warm Arizona summer day. I was shipped off to Pinnacle High School to complete the final day of my summer schooling for Pre-Calculus. Yes, you heard right folks. Summer school. You know, it’s really not as bad as you think. The majority of the kids there are there because they failed a class AKA they are really dumb. It makes you feel good about yourself. Have low self-esteem? Go to summer school. You don’t need therapy. All you need is an alarm clock and a ride to school and you will be on the way to cockiness in no time. In any event, upon taking my final exam, I came home. (And while we are on that topic of the final exam, I would just like to say that if kids in your class are using textbooks and reviews and notes to help them on their tests and they aren’t supposed to without you noticing, then it’s really time for you to seek out a new profession. You are not a good teacher. Perhaps you should take up culinary arts? I hear McDonald’s wants a new chef?)

Upon arriving home I was greeted by the wonderful world of pornography. You know, unlike parents and friends and other things, pornography will always be there for you. Friends may fade away, relatives may die, but as long as you have your internet connection or a trendy magazine, you will be a happy camper. Believe me. I spoke to my father who was to take me to a job interview at eleven thirty. I was to be at the place by noon and be done with it at about noon thirty. Well, I get a call around 11:20 or so – “Yeah, hi? Matt? It’s Dad. I’m at Bell and 99th avenue.” Well hot shit, Dad. Maybe I should just start walking? I am not sure if you are all familiar with the streets of Phoenix, Arizona, but 99th avenue is in the middle of an area of town we affectionately call “Sun City.” It’s a fascinating place with old people galore, complete with golf carts and old Cadillacs. More importantly, it’s about 30 minutes from my house and it takes 20 minutes from my house to the place of occupation that I was interviewing for. 11:50 finally rolls around and my dad comes strolling up to the driveway. Cool, thanks dad. When I don’t get the job I’ll be making car payments with your allowance.

In any event, I finally arrive at the place. Fred Astaire Dance Studios in North Scottsdale. It was for a receptionist job so… needless to say, I was the only boy there. I was also the youngest. Funny how that works. Surrounded by a bunch of older women. You would think it would be a fantastic situation. No. No it was not. One lady was the “I’m 50 years old but I think I’m young so I’m going to pile on the makeup and talk really loud because I think people care.” Yes, you know the type. So I get there, halfway through the manager’s presentation. I sit down and she says “Question #3 – If you could be any fruit, what would you be and why?” Great. Just great. Because THIS has a lot to do with answering phones and making appointments. I said I would be a strawberry for those of you that wondered. Question #5 was “How do you define love?” Shoot me now. You should have heard the other people’s responses. “True love is a feeling of caring for someone so much that you can’t live without them.” What is this? I didn’t know we were having Hallmark card auditions. Still nothing to do with answering phones. After the Q&A session, the manager lady asked everyone to stand up and move out onto the dance floor. Oh good, what other non-job-related activities are we going to do now. Seeing as how this is a dance studio, it was now time for us to dance. So me and the 40 somethings all lined up. And who did I get partnered up with? 50 year old “I think I’m young” lady. Oh goody. I wonder if she can tell me about how she enjoys dancing so much. And how she and her ex-husband used to go dancing. And how in her younger days she used dance on top of bars after knocking a few Bruskees back. Great, lady. You’re like a hundred now. You might break a hip.

So after our dancing session, it was time for more talking. We all sat down and the manager lady began talking about how a dance studio changes people’s lives. We are there to help them. We are their therapy. Give me a fucking break, lady. You’re wearing a pound of makeup, the people are gonna be scared out of their minds when they come here because you look like a clown. People are scared of clowns. Ask Stefi if she’s ever seen the movie “It.” Besides, if the people are upset, why don’t they just go to summer school? Insta-Self-esteem booster right there. So blah blah blah, the lady keeps going on with her Lifetime TV moment about how dance makes a difference. Right, are you almost done? She proceeded to interview us all again one by one. During this time, the gay guy with a mullet (who is the current front desk person) kept looking at me. Yeah, this interview couldn’t get any more uncomfortable. Andrew, I think he is available.

So after a long waste of time, Stefi and her mommy came and picked me up and that is where I am now. We talked to a psychic and she told me that I make a lot of money when I’m older. Hear that ladies? A lot of money. As of right now, I am currently single and would love to meet a charming young lady, preferably in the Greater North Phoenix area. I enjoy candlelit dinners and cuddling while watching old movies. Contact Stefi if interested because frankly… I’m desperate. I mean… you don’t have to… I mean… it’s ok if you don’t. But I would really like it… Please?

Well, I hope you all have enjoyed this Matt-flavored Self-Improvement is Masturbation entry. I hope everyone is having a lovely summer and take care. Drive safe. Use condoms. Don’t do drugs because drugs destroy dreams.


Quote of the Day:
Me: “She didn’t say anything about you.”
Stefi: “Nothing?”
Me: “Nope.”
Stefi: “I can’t believe this! I hate you for not talking to me!”
-Me telling Stefi that, according to the psychic, she has no part in my life. It’s because she’s not important to me. I’m kidding, Stefi. I love you. I wouldn’t blog for anyone else.

Side note from Stefi: Its ok because she mentioned Matt in my reading and she said we stay friends. Everything's peachy.


163 days until I get John off.

“I lost my F. Where’s my F?”

What the fuck is this world coming to?
Reality TV. That’s what.
Its awful.

You think that you're all happy with your spouse until you go on one of those reality shows like Fuck Me Island or whatever and suddenly you both hate each other and one's single and the other partner (execs prefer its the female) is hooking up with the "new girl" who FOX hired to spice things up a bit. But is actually playing the part of like.. the opposing couple's (the Blue team) single bi-sexual sister in law.
Its disgusting.

If you’re an average person, (and let’s face it you’re reading my blog, so you are) chances are you’ve seen at least ONE Reality Television show whether it be the original Real World on MTV or Hot Or Not?: The American Disgrace on FOX. Or at least.. I think it aired on FOX.. FOX has all the bad reality TV shows. Oh crap.. I hear a law suit coming..

But back to what I was saying;
Things started to go bad when Survivor came out.
It was just the beginning. The show jump started CBS though who had the age 60-955 demographic before it aired, so good for them.. but then other networks were like “Gimmie a piece of dat.” (Because network execs are from the ‘hood apparently.)
And both Big Brother (already a hit in Sweden) and Fear Factor were born.
Ok, first off- Who the fuck cares about Big Brother?
Exactly.
And second, Since when is it entertaining to watch people gag on bugs?
Even worse- Since when it is entertaining to watch D List Celebrities gag on bugs?

I feel really bad for those D list Celebrities who appear on shows like “CELEBRITY FEAR FACTOR” and “CELEBRITY MOLE”.
Its such a load of shit. I mean, they’re calling people like.. David Hasselhoff a celebrity. That’s messed up. Those poor has-beens. If I see one more Baldwin brother.. whatshisface.. one of them.. on one more reality TV show. I’ll cry.

Like MC Hammer in Celebrity House. That was just sad.
Ok, actually, in truth, I didn’t actually watch MC. But I’m going to assume it was depressing to watch him try to buy groceries at a real supermarket while Gary Coleman sat in the front seat of the cart. Oh and they had that chick from 90210 on there. That was sad too. I think they should have booted her out and kidnapped Shannon Doherty who is now doing a show like Candid Camera on the Sci-fi channel. (Basically, they scare people on camera with stupid gags. I’d think it’d be easy enough to scare them just by showing Shannon’s face. My g0d, her eyebrows reach higher onto her forehead every time I see her.) At least then something interesting would have happened on Celebrity House. The promos could say “Watch Shannon kick and scream her way out of MC’s hold.” That’s kinky. People would totally tune in.
The worst example of this Reality TV though has to be For Love or Money.
That poor poor man. And that woman. What a bitch.
She took the money over the guy. Greedy fucking whore.
It gets better though. There’s going to be a Part 2 later this year where the greedy bitch chick has the chance of winning 2 million dollars when the tables are turned on her (As if you thought NBC would let a sequel slip through the cracks. That’s a hell no.).
Let’s repeat my question from before for emphasis;
What the fuck is this world coming to?

Next thing you know we’ll have things like “TO DIE OR NOT TO DIE” Next on CBS (nah, its actually more of a FOX type show) about people making suicide attempts and there’d be a poll online where you could vote in at the website (www.fox.com/todieornottodie/poll) on who would live and who would die.

“Hi, my name is Laney. I’m a seventeen year old from Richmond, Virginia. I guess you could say I want to die because I don’t really fit in at school. There’s not much living for. I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t think I’m that pretty. My weapon of choice is a sawed off shotgun that my grandpa gave me and I’ll be performing my attempt in the basement.”

Even better- We can get “celebrity” hosts/judges!
Like.. convicted murderers. Or even just convicts in general. Let’s see.. OJ Simpson can host, and Mike Tyson.. And maybe, just to be nice we can have Paula Abdul.

“Well, I’m not saying Laney’s technique was bad.. She was good. I definitely see potential.. but she just needs to work on it a little bit. Maybe she’s just a bit gun shy? Get it.. Gun Shy? But really, good work Laney. Just try again next time.”
Thanks Paula.

Maybe we can get Arsenio Hall to host too. I mean, its not like hosting this show would hurt his career..

There could be a “celebrity” suicide episode too.
“Hi, my name is Carrot Top. I want to die because I’m just not funny and I keep doing these bad AT&T commercials. As if people use payphones anymore.. but it’s a job I guess.. My weapon of choice is this oversized banana and I’ll be doing the deed in my house, I mean car. Car/house.. its um.. it’s a home I guess you could say.”

I bet a ton of people would sign up for this. The one chance to see Carrot Top do something worth while.
And the chance to meet Paula AND OJ?

Anyway, now that I’ve gotten that off of my chest…
You know what’s sad? Pauly Shore. Whatever happened to him?
I think his biggest movie was like.. A Goofy Movie. You know, he had that big line while Goofy’s son was sitting in the principal’s office. Pauly The Dog Thing leans over with his cheeze wiz and says “It’s the leaning tower of cheeza!” and eats the entire thing. That was Pauly’s big moment.
Poor Pauly Shore..

Although he shouldn’t be too upset since his mom owns The Comedy Store, which is only like, THE biggest comedy club in LA where all the greats got their start.
Although sadly, this barely helped Pauly out of the rubble.

Ok, I’m done.

Quote of the day:
Matt: the people that work there
Matt: really hot girl
Matt: or
Matt: really gay guy
Stefi what if really hot girl used to be really gay guy?
Matt: ew dude
Matt: lol
Stefi: her name isn't Lola is it?
Stefi: or Greg?
-- Me just making sure it was really a girl working at the dance studio where Matt interviewed for a job today.

165 days until I get John off.

“I swear that is Molly Ringwald!”

I went to bed at 11 tonight.
And I woke up about half an hour ago.
Its currently 10 minutes to 1 AM in the morning.
Why I can’t sleep is beyond my comprehension.
I wasn’t feeling all that great earlier and fell asleep without a problem but I woke up for some reason and I figured I might as well write a blog while I’m up doing nothing. Waiting until I’m tired enough to venture back into my room and pour myself back into bed.

I blame society for my sleeping disorder.

In any event, I’ll tell you about my day.
It wasn’t all that exciting.
I went to Costco and I swear to you, I saw Molly Ringwald. Seriously. It was Molly Ringwald.
I was this close to asking her too, or at least shouting out random Breakfast Club quotes, but my mother pleaded with me not to.

Well, actually, her exact words were that she’d disown me if I did.. so.. I kept my mouth shut.
I am convinced though, that in the towel and pool supply aisle of Costco, I caught a glimpse of Miss Pretty in Pink herself; Molly Ringwald.


It was quite a spiritual moment.

Quote of the day:
Spike: this kid at nau (so cool...he was half black lol)
Spike: said that you gotta lose the happy trail
Spike: so i tried it
Spike: and i feel sooo naked
Spike: i feel prepubescent
-- Spike’s comments on how he feels after shaving his ‘happy trail’.

172 days until I get John off.

“This is for Super fan #99 over here.”

Swingers.
When you hear the word you may think- Old people trading sexual partners.


But when I hear it, I think of a fabulous movie.





Swingers.
The movie about the trials and tribulations that one incredible man, Mikey, goes through after breaking up with his long time girlfriend of six years. (Something that was only meant to be a rebound relationship for her.) Watch Mikey bar hop with friends and fail spectacularly with women. It’ll make you feel better about yourself. Honest.

“Its an amazing journey as he goes from Happy Go Lucky I’ve Got a Girlfriend to Down in the Dumps in L.A., California.” – ST online

This is a cult classic and if you love this movie then you are fucking money.


I mean, what more could you want?
Seriously, go fucking rent it.

You are not my friend if you don’t love that movie like a surrogate child.

Quote of the day:
Spike: i like the part where they're in the bar
Spike: and sue and trent are talking to mike about him being a bear with these claws and these fangs
Stefi: lol
Stefi: yes
Stefi: big fucking claws
Stefi: the rated R guy
Stefi: the one you're not sure if you like
Stefi: and she's just a bunny
Stefi: and you're batting her around
Spike: haha
Spike: FUCK YEA I LOVE YOU
-- Spike and I getting terribly over excited about finding another Swingers fan.


173 days until I get John off.

“I think I’m having an emotion right now.”

Its 2:45 AM Arizona time.
Tell me to go bed.
Do it. Go ahead.
It won’t matter. It won’t do a bit of good for either of us.

Why do I do this to myself?
Why? So that I can wake up at noon and complain to the people around me that “I’m tired”?
To prove to myself that I’m bad ass and am capable of not going to bed and making myself completely ill?
Do I do it so that I can look like Wednesday Adams and have dark circles under my eyes?
I honestly couldn’t tell you.
I think it’s a little bit of every one of those reasons.
Oh, and because I’m a moron.

You could come over to my house and scream at me to sleep and I’ll just say; “Hey, sucks to be you.” And I’ll just disregard every attempt you make to try to get me into bed and hate myself in the morning [read afternoon] when I wake up.
So there.

I’m bad ass. I’m kicking summer in the ass.
How about you?


Quote of the day:
Stephanie Brrrwn: “We went to the Grand Canyon once too.”
Stefi: “I’ve never been the Grand Canyon. I think that would bore me.. ‘Oh look.. it’s a hole.. I don’t have a hole that big..’ ”
-- me just discussing how I can’t really be bothered to see the Grand Canyon.

I’m half asleep. Better read this blog before I erase it when I read it later today and realize it doesn’t make sense.

174 days before I get John off.
And yea, I know how that sounds.

“Everyone should be like us.”

I keep having this reoccurring dream that I’m in Mrs. Rosenberg’s class and I’ve forgotten my homework. Its scary. Everyone’s looking at me, and for some reason everyone I’ve known since about 7th grade is in the class. Rosenbitch shakes her head at me as she says “This happened only because you’re Jewish.” Then Luca turns around and smirks.

Rosenberg still scares me. Obviously, I mean I’m having anxiety dreams about her still. Every time I think about her, the Mr. Ed theme songs loops around in my head. Mrs. Rosenberg. That horse.



In other news, this guy who works for my dad fell through a client’s ceiling yesterday when he was up in their attic. I feel so bad; he’s a nice guy. I hope he doesn’t turn around and sue us.

I got up before noon today. This made my mother happy as she’s been trying to make me rise out of bed before noon for quite some time now. However, I’m half asleep still (as you can see if you’re actually reading this) so I don’t know if you could exactly say mission accomplished. I’ll probably be half asleep until 10 PM tonight where I will suddenly wake up and end up going to bed around 5 AM because I won’t be tired.

Quote of the day:
Andrew: hee, even mandi (she says a lot) said, "Why does Thomas write?!"
Stefi: to give hope to the retards.

“Our 2 O’clock gagger is here.”

I had an ortho appointment today.
And the good news is I only have 23 more weeks with my expander on! (That was sarcasm by the way in case you all missed that.)

Six months.
I have to wear this stupid piece of shit for six months.
I swear if I had ANY kind of social life that included getting action, I’d be totally pissed.
Thankfully, I don’t get any type of action, so I’m ok.

“Hi Stephanie! How’s your appliance coming?” Pretty Model/Ortho #45 assistant asked me as I hopped up on the chair for her to inspect my mouth.
“Hey.” I said (I can say hey with the expander now), “It’s a pain. I was just wondering how much longer I’d have to wear this?”
She grabbed my chart and flipped through it. “About six months.”
I could feel the tears already welling up. I’m nearly crying right now thinking about it.
“Six months? Oh, my g0d.” I sat there not saying anything for about a minute as she flipped through my chart some more.
“Yea, about six months.. Maybe a little less. You see, your expander acts as a cast in your mouth,” She grabbed the model of the expander for emphasis as she explained. “Basically we broke apart your palate bone and if we took it out, your mouth would collapse back to where it was. And you don’t want to do that because you’ve made a lot of good progress! I can see by the gap.”
“I’ve always had that gap…” I said to her.
“Yes, but now its bigger!” She said happily.
“OK, but I sound like Jan Brady.” I had to say that slowly because I was this close to crying. If anyone said boo to a goose I would have started.
“You know what? I don’t notice any speech impediment.” She said, still smiling.
“I do.” I said sitting up now and looking out the window to the parking lot in disbelief at the fact that I had to wear this appliance until December. I can’t do math, but I calculated a lot of months, weeks, hours, and minutes while sitting in that chair.
“Well, you don’t really at all. Honest. And you have really pretty hair! Can I touch it?” She asked me.
“Uh..,” I turned and looked at the model/ortho assistant #45. “Yea… I guess.” I said without thinking.
“So pretty. You’re lucky.” She said as she twisted it around her finger.
“Thanks...” I said pulling away from her, “Are you sure there isn’t a way I can get this off sooner?”
“Tell you what. Let’s call Dr. Stieg over and ask him.” She said.
“Ok.” I said knowing that this would do absolutely nothing.

A few minutes later Dr. Stieg came over.
“Hey kiddo! How’s the expander coming?” He asked me as he put on some plastic gloves and shoved his index fingers into my mouth to check my bite.
“I hate it.” I said as best I could with his fingers in my mouth. Why do dentists and orthos always do that? Ask you questions while their hands are in your mouth?
“Yea, but you’re coming along really well! How’s the turning going? Your mom handling it ok?” He asked finally retracting his hands.
“My mom couldn’t do it, so I have to.” I explained.
“You do it?” He looked shocked. “Really? That’s great. You’re one of two patients I’ve had ever in my twenty years who could turn it themselves. That’s really good!” He looked totally impressed and smiled as he nodded his head.
“Wow. What an honor.” I said in what I hope wasn’t too sarcastic a tone. “When can I get this off?”
“Bite.” He responded and then after a moment said, “12 more turns and we’ll tie it off. Then I’m gonna say.. about six months to settle. Yea. Six.”
“Six..” I repeated.
“Yea, I’m sorry Steph,” He really did look sorry too. “You’re doing great though. I promise it’ll get easier. You’ve only had it twelve days. It gets better. And maybe we can try to take it off a little sooner. We’ll see, ok?”
“Yea.” I said fighting back the tears, “Ok.”

I walked out to my mother in the waiting room.
“You look like you’re about to cry,” she said to me.
It was that instant when I did and told my mother how I had to wear John for six months.
My mother did the only thing she could to try to make it better.
She took me to Starbucks.
And then we came home.
And here I am.
I grieve for my mouth.
I want get-well cards or something.


Quote of the day:
“Well let’s think of worse things.. You could have a speech impediment. Oh wait..”
-- My mother

“You bought techno! You’re never gonna live this down.”

Hello Boys and Girls. Its blog time.
I know, finally, after many days and hours waiting I’m finally blogging.
I can’t guarantee it’ll be funny.. or interesting.. but it’s a blog.

After writing 100 different ways to recycle and reuse your chemistry goggles, I decided I should get a life type thing.. If you call going out and about with my mother a life..
I like my mother though. We have a whole Gilmore Girl relationship going on. I mean, its not like she had me at 16 or anything, but we get along really well. Spending time with her is like spending time with a friend and I enjoy it. So boo to you if you think I’m pathetic. You’ll be sorry when your parents are dead and you hated them all your life.

Thursday I went around town with Matty, my mother, and my sister. We quite enjoy our outings. This time we went to a Japanese place called Todai where we made Matt eat sushi (he didn’t like it) and then he voluntarily ate tofu. That kid is brave. I warned him about the tofu, but he took it anyway (I think he was under the influence of hot asian chicks.) and of course- it was disgusting so he didn’t eat the whole thing. Not even in a desert should anyone eat tofu. Ugh. Tofu. Ugh.

After the Tofu Experience (where you get a free meal or something on your birthday) we ventured down to Ahwatukee because my mother had bidniss down there. While in Ahwatukee I bought techno. I didn’t mean to buy techno at the Target down there. It was disguised as a Christina/Justin exclusive CD promo sold only at Target. Instead, it was techno. Really bad techno.

I’d like to take this time out to remind ALL people that techno is the root of all evil. Its right up there with country. Country is the music of pain. Techno makes my ears bleed and is the devil’s music.
What did you just learn here?
Don’t listen to country or techno or techno-remix country music (and Shania Twain counts as country. So don’t even try to slip her in there. Pop cross over my ass.).

To redeem ourselves after buying techno, we drove back to Phoenix and pretended we were guests at the Biltmore Hotel. They were so nice there they even gave us free towels…

We played Giant Lawn Checkers too while we were at the hotel. Team Matt whooped Team Stefi & Danielle (Danielle’s my sister). But Matt is like the Checkers Wizard so I expected this. My mother got so excited over the Giant Lawn Checkers that she wants to make a board in our back yard. I’ll let you know how that project goes.

We took Matty home after that.
Oh and if you wondered- I won Spot the Homeless that day.

Friday was the fourth of July and nothing happened. I saw fireworks. That was fun. Then it was done and we went home. No one got drunk.

Saturday Miss Jenna Katherine “The Spoon” Stokes visited. I wasn’t exactly awake when she came over. See, some people call right before they come over, but Miss Jenna K. “The Spoon” Stokes is different. She plays by her own rules. Like.. ringing the door bell and seeing me scurry out with bed head and blue poodle pattern Nick and Nora pajamas at 11 AM.
Sorry I wasn’t up Jen Jen. I’d write about the fun stuff we did, but that’s top secret. Wink. Wink. (Plus I was like totally half asleep half of the day and I don’t really remember what I did.)

I’m kidding. I remember..

Matty came over later and we talked for a while and watched my sister flirt furiously with him and make him pet the damn dog. Then he gallivanted off because he had more people to see and do and such.

To wrap up the weekend; Sunday I slept.

Today I took my doggy to the vet because she’s having seizures. Very scary, but the vet is a fun place to go. You see lots of kitties and puppies and I dunno about your local vet, but my vet has free food, dude. Quality crap that most parents don’t let their kids eat. This is disappointing to find out AFTER having my palate expander installed but I told my mother that when I get it out we should have an outing there because it’s a buffet, I swear. Its great. I recommend it to all the homeless people. I don’t know if homeless people read my blog, but if you do- It’s the vet on cactus. Couldn’t tell you what its called. The Vet. There you go.

Anyway- They had to not only shove a thermometer up my dog’s tush, but they had to draw blood too so they could “do an extensive panel” on what’s causing the seizures. Apparently seizures are common in small dog breeds like the Maltese and I shouldn’t be “too concerned”. But how could I not? She’s my baby.

On the bright side- My dog has very good knees.

Quote of the weekish thing:
Matt: ::singing “Fighter:: “Makes me that much ahhgraar”
Stefi: “What was that last word?”
Matt: “Ahhgraar….”
Stefi: “Ok, just making sure I heard you right.”
-- Matty while singing in the car.

Oh yea, and take this quiz because I know you’re all bored.


Way to go, your alter poet is Jack Kerouac, who is
by FAR the coolest!


Who is Your Alter Poet?
brought to you by Quizilla

"theres no way ull get to 100"

Little Tidbit: Blogger has this new thing where your posts can't be too long so I had to split this post up. Not that anyone cares.. but I do.. and I just thought I'd mention it.

So.. I was cooking today.
Yea, weird I know, but I was. Onions to be specific.. and they were hurting my eyes and a brilliant idea popped into my head; Why I should wear my goggles while cooking these onions!
I slipped them on and my eyes didn't hurt anymore! So I thought there must be quite a few IB students who didn't know what to do with their left over Chem Goggles.. so I decided to create a list of 100 things you could do with your goggles.

NOTE: This list isn't meant to be entirely funny (some of it is though.). Its just 100 things you can do. The fact that I finished it is the miracle you're all witnessing.

100 Things YOU Can Do With Your Old Chem Goggles.

1. Cooking eye wear
2. Use them in woodshop
3. An unusual head band
4. Use as candy dishes.
5. Use them to collect random change.
6. Buy a fire fighter’s hat and add goggles for an authentic touch. Wear in public for everyday use.
7. Dress up as a hard-core tactical law enforcement officer. (Their uniform requires goggles.)
8. Go skiing.
9. Go snow boarding.
10. Be weird. Wear it for no reason.
11. Go swimming.
12. Go to a Goggles show (they’re a band) and wear your goggles. It’d be a nice tribute to them.
13. Ride a motorcycle (the cool motorcyclists wear goggles…)
14. Go construct something. Wear goggles as safety precaution.
15. Go riding in your car the old fashioned way and wear goggles (they used to back in the day).
16. Go racecar driving.
17. Paint them and hang as art in your room or Chem lab.
18. For girls (and transvestites): Strap onto chest, throw shirt over and you have insta-boobs.
19. Use as bra for a girl with tiny breasts.
20. Start a gang, make it your ‘thang’ to wear goggles. Call yourselves “The Goggles” but don’t let people confuse you with the band as previously mentioned in #12.
21. Get a military helmet, fatigues, and a fake gun, and wear your goggles while you support your troops.
22. Dress up like a GI Joe. Play war. (This is not the same as supporting your troops.)
23. Reenact this picture: Click Here for a good time.. Be as cool as those people.
24. Wear while cleaning a ceiling fan.
25. Wear while dirt biking.
26. Sell your goggles on E-bay.
27. Sell your goggles to Savers.
28. Donate your goggles to a goggle-less child. Heal the community.
29. Create a new super-hero: Goggle Man/Woman/Boy/Girl. Wear the Goggles and a cape.
30. Wear the goggles every day and make them your ‘quirk’. Acquire the name ‘Goggle kid’, ‘Goggle Head’, or ‘Kid with the goggles’. Become talk of school.
31. Put your goggles on your dog and take a wacky picture. Post on your website to perk it up a bit. It was a little too big for her head..
32. A festive hold for dips at parties.
33. Take pictures of your family wearing goggles and post on your website. Look at this fine example of my dad.
34. Hang upside down by the band, put soil and a seed in it, and grow something. Use as hanging plant.
35. Use them to as holding places so that you can breed bacteria.
36. Use as paint palate.
37. Use as stylish purse for cell phone
38. Use as phone cradle for when telling people to hang on.
39. Hang by door and use as key holder.
40. Use as interesting picture frame.
41. Melt down plastic and remold into something useful like a plastic cup. Turn left over band into bracelet.
42. Use as make shift cereal bowl.
43. Actually become scientist and use them for real.
44. Go paint balling.
45. Make a website dedicated to your goggles.
46. Name them George and keep them as a pet.
47. A jaunty hat (when titled to the side on your head)
48. Use as a coaster for drinking glass.
49. Create voo-doo Rosenberg doll. Use goggles to add effect.

50. Actually use them in lab when you have to retake the class due to your failing grade.
51. Sit and stare at them while you come up with 100 different ways to use them.
52. Fill one lens with chips, one lens with dip and you have yourself a mobile party plate.
53. Try to send them back to the company that made them for a full refund. Tell them they were “defective”.
54. Change lenses to your prescription- use as sports glasses.
55. Use to strangle ex- chemistry teacher by tightening band around her neck. They’ll end up thinking she did to herself.
56. Use in kinky role-playing sex.
57. Use as cookie cutter. Make goggle shaped cookies.
58. Use as water bottle holder for the car (strap holds bottles in place.)
59. Use as slingshot.
60. Rear view mirror ornament.
61. Christmas tree ornament.
62. Use as prop for a comedy special. You know, like Carrot Top.
63. Rosenberg could use them to realign her upper jaw so as to create the illusion of not looking like a horse.
64. For people with double chins- use them as chin straps- Holds your chins up.
65. Put water in goggles, freeze, and use the ice in a punch bowl.
66. Goggles can help protect you, the innocent bystander, from really ugly people. Click to see ugo.
67. Go to your local mall and claim your goggles are ‘spy vision’ and ‘X-ray vision’. See how long it takes you to get kicked out of a Dillard’s.
68. Make lots of signs saying you’re having a garage sale and post them. Have a big table out with only your goggles on top. Price them at $15.50. See if anyone buys them. Tell them if they do; they get a free cookie. Don’t bargain.
69. Take a picture of your goggles. Make it black and white. Title it “Death” and sell it as art to a gallery. See art at its best Here. (Its quite moving) Death 1 Death 2
70. Become a jockey.
71. Put them on a small immigrant child and tell them it’s a new toy. They won’t know the difference. Hell, maybe they can even use them while they work in the factories making your shoes. For only pennies a day, you can help this child.
72. Use in Halloween costume when you go as Mad Scientist.
73. Wear while playing basketball. Just like this girl.
74. Use as a potpourri holder.
75. Place in the bottom of an aquarium for decoration.
76. Use as a Shabbat candleholder. (Jew thing)
77. Throw at people, use as self defense weapon.
78. Use as jock strap.
79. Use as plate to hold cup cakes and/or cookies.
80. Use as earring holder.
81. Include inside a Pinata.
82. Put under plexi-glass case and keep it as a museum piece. Tell people its priceless.
83. Use as kneepads for small children.
84. Use as a spittoon.
85. Use as litter box.
86. Use for isometric exercises.
87. Use as bow in a bow and arrow set.
88. Use as water skis for squirrels
89. As a Nut holder (for sqirrels).
90. Use as toy and hold contests to see how far you can throw the goggles. Winner keeps them.
91. Use as water bowls and food bowls for your pets.
92. Use as Jell-O Mold
93. Build bottom for goggles, fill with glitter, water, and tiny buildings, and you have yourself a sno-globe.
94. Paint them black, put them on top of your head and pretend you’re Mickey Mouse.
95. Send your goggles around the world. Have people take pictures of themselves in the goggles and then send it back to you.
96. Get celebrity to wear your goggles. Take picture, post on web. Create fashion frenzy. Goggles will be so in.
97. Use as the inspiration to your store ‘Goggles R Us”.
98. Donate to NASA scientists for on board experiments.
99. Use in gerbil cage as gerbil toy, bed, or food holder ect.
100. Use them for putting golf balls into.

So that is it.
I did it.
Some of you never thought I would.
Special thanks to Jenna for #63.

Quote of the day:
Matt: yeah
Matt: theres no way ull get to 100
Matt: ull get up to like
Matt: 13
Matt: and quit
Matt: but not before asking me "matt, what should i use them for"
-- Ha. I proved you wrong!

G0d I have way too much time on my hands..