"I'm sorry I'm better than you.. is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”

We had our first teacher incident.

I never liked Wilkens to begin with. She was the Rosenberg of the new year. She’s obviously republican. She likes Jay Leno, and her sense of style… well, that’s a whole different story. Also, and I won’t go into detail on this one, but she should wear thicker shirts.. or thicker bras.. or turn up the A/C in her room or something.. because I sit in the front.. and it its just not cool to look at every day.. day after day. In any event- I always knew she was a bitch. She came off as a bitch. For instance, before my incident, we had a new kid. On his first day he asked her where he could get a book and she replied in a stern voice as she moved her hands in a frantic motion, “I can’t help you right now! You’ll just have to get a book later!” All she had to nicely say was “At the bookstore, I’m sure someone can help you find it.”
Bam.
Done.
Why the need to be horrible?

I was absent last Tuesday and when I walked into the classroom Monday she just said in her usual [nasty] tone “A book would be nice.”

Oh, hello to you too, Mrs. Wilkens! Yea, I’m feeling better now thank you.

Honestly. I don’t care if you’re stressed. I really don’t. You’re a teacher and the least you could do is to get rid of your Joan Collins attitude. Spank your inner-child. Whatever. Get over it. Whatever happened, I didn’t do it, your parents probably did, so tell your shrink and stop taking it out on me. Jesus Christ.

She went a tad too far Monday however..

She graded my notebook wrong. I had all of the papers and she wrote that I was missing one. I went up to her desk to ask her why she marked it wrong when I had it and she starts getting all flustered and she’s like “I don’t know! I don’t know! I can’t deal with this right now!” She took MY hand and closed MY notebook with it and then, and I’m choosing my words carefully now.. I want to say.. push, but it wasn’t like.. a slam. More of.. an elbow. Ok, that’s what I’ll say. She like, elbowed me out of the way.. Forcefully.

I have never in my life had a teacher touch me like that. Sure, I’ve gotten perhaps a pat on the back or a hug but NEVER ever in my life have I gotten elbowed by a teacher. I think it is completely rude and unprofessional.

So I was going to write her a letter.. you know, so she’d have more respect for me for standing up for myself..
Then I chickened out, so now instead, I just give her nasty looks in class. Give her my “Oh yea, try to even get through to me. I’m not listening.” Face and cross my arms.

Maybe I’ll have my mom talk to her…


Quote of the day:
Stefi: I've never peed into a cup before
Stefi: what's that like?
Matty: its hard cause like
Matty: you have to start
Matty: then stop
Matty: move the cup into the line of fire
Matty: and start again
Matty: and often times
Matty: u end up spraying ur hand
Matty: and
Matty: its really disgusting
Stefi: ew
Stefi: that's awful
Matty: yes
Matty: but luckily
Matty: today
Matty: i managed to escape with a minimal amount of pee-on-the-handage
Stefi: oh good
Stefi: if its hard for you
Stefi: I'm sure it'd be like
Stefi: 10 times worse for a girl
Stefi: we don't get to see where we're peeing. We'd just have to hope for the best
Stefi: this is a lovely conversation
Stefi: let's never have it again.
Matty: lol
Matty: yeah
Matty: like
Matty: does it just
Matty: spray
Matty: like a cloggy faucet?
Matty: or
Matty: is it a solid stream?
Stefi: I am not having this conversation.

-- Matt and me today discussing peeing in a cup.

"Its too bad I can't blog about this."

Its time for a favorite segment of mine;
The Self Improvement is Masturbation Mail Bag-
Let's open her up and see what's inside. Shall we?

Letter Number One:

Subj: I improve myself every day!
Date: 6/11/2003 10:50:02 PM US Mountain Standard Time
From: Beasta342@aol.com
To: stefispice@hotmail.com
Dear Stefi,

I've been a fan for a while, and I've wanted to email you ever since I started reading, but I've never had the nerve to. However, seeing that many other people do so, I feel like it's okay for me to ass my two cents.

I stumbled upon your site during the school year. Midway through the year, i had to do a report on a famous person my age, and I picked Anne Frank. It was then that I Googled your site, and I've been a devoted reader ever since.

I love your style of writing and how witty you are. You sound like the perfect girlfriend material for me. If I wasn't already with someone at the moment, I'd totally want you. Do you want to exchange addresses and phone numbers? I'd really like to get to know you someday. I especially love your pictures. You're so photogenic, and you do have really nice hair. When I read your blog, I feel like I really know you, and then I want you some more. I start imagining what you would be like in person. How you act, your body language, your voice, how you smell. I wish to experience all these things.

Anyway, I probably live in the area near you. I go to Horizon. You go to Desert Ridge every Friday night, right? Maybe I'll see you there, and then maybe we can re-enact some T.A.T.U? Hee! I'm excited already. Maybe we could watch a movie together, or I could sleep at your house? I must be going now. My girlfriend is waiting for me. Thanks for being a friend. I love you.

Yours forever,
Heather


Dear Andrew,
Thanks for the e-mail complementing me on how fantastic my hair is. I appreciate it, however, writing me a letter in your stripper name is unnecessary seeing how I know your e-mail address, as it is the same as your blog title and your AIM name. Plus, I’ve only spoken to you online like a million and a half times and have e-mailed you my own self. I know you like to dress up as “Heather the Lesbian Hoe” or “Judy the Asian/Lesbian Slut” sometimes, but is my blog really the place to let your true feelings be heard? Perhaps you should share them in your own blog, or your personal Hello Kitty ® diary. That a girl, er, boy. Er, girl.. er.. wait... whatever it is in your heart.

Fondly,
Stephanie Sparer


Letter number two:

Subj: hi
Date: 7/25/2003 7:05:36 PM US Mountain Standard Time
From: ----
To: stefispice@hotmail.com

hi male giggalo here trying to make money to get my car fixed so i can start my business again i hope u are intersted in paying for great sex email me or imme plz
love, manwhore


Dearest Manwhore,

Hmmm.. let me think.
No.

Celibacy to the end,
Stephanie



Letter number three:

Subject: Have a playdate
Date: 8/11/2003 4:33:41 AM US Mountain Standard Time
From: ----
To: stefispice@hotmail.com

Hi do you want to have a playdate on Saturday or Sunday? Well see you then I guss bye. But ask your mom or dad. Hannah Zeitlin


Dear Hannah Zeitlin,

This is now the seventh e-mail you’ve sent me even though I have no clue who you are. I think I’m busy Saturday, but I’ll double check. What do you want to do? Can you see R Rated movies? I don’t suggest Underworld. It was soooooo bad.. Ask your mom or dad if its ok if we see Thirteen. Its about two teenage girls who do drugs and have sex. Its supposed to be the feel good movie of the year. I hope they sell popcorn at the movies! Actually, I can’t have popcorn anymore because I’m a metal mouth, but it sure smells good! Ok, I have to go now. Bye.

See ya this weekend or something or probably not I guss,
Stephanie Sparer


Letter Number four:

Subj: YOU SUCK
Date: 8/25/2003 8:53:37 PM US Mountain Standard Time
From: -----
To: stefispice@hotmail.com

did you know your blog sucks? ebcause it does. quit when your ahead loser.


Dear Reader,

Thank you for very your kind e-mail regarding my fantastic blog. As you can probably imagine, I get so many positive and supporting e-mails that I couldn’t possibly answer them all individually. However, I want to thank you again for your kind words regarding how funny and amazing I am.

Consistently,
Stephanie T. Sparer


Letter number five:

Subj: RE: A Message from Stephanie T. Sparer herself!
Date: 8/26/2003 4:32:46 PM US Mountain Standard Time
From: -----
To: stefispice@hotmail.com

YOU R STUPID! i SAID YOUR”RE BLOG SUCKED!


Dear Reader,

Thank you for very your kind e-mail regarding my fantastic blog. As you can probably imagine, I get so many positive and supporting e-mails that I couldn’t possibly answer them all individually. However, I want to thank you again for your kind words regarding how funny and amazing I am.

Consistently,
Stephanie T. Sparer


Letter number six:

Subj: Buxom Babes With Big Boobs
Date: 9/23/2003 12:50:01PM US Mountain Standard Time
From: -----
To: stefispice@hotmail.com

Humble Internet Companion-

Your response in such a timely fashion is greatly appreciated. I encourage you to continue your humorous antics and friendly disposition. You are a bright star in a world of darkness. Be proud of yourself and those around you will emulate your ways. You are an inspiration to us all, so with that in mind, I'm sure you can understand me requesting you shave your head. An outlandish request at first, you must realize that it would be to simply display the wonderful crop of human hair your possess. Please consider my request.

Regards,
Matthew MacDonald
Coordinator of Badassness

Dearest Matthew MacDonald, Coordinator of Badassness-

Your comments regarding my amazing blog, my beautiful hair, and the fact that I light up everyone’s life have made my night. I Thank you. They do not go unnoticed. However, your “outlandish request” to shave my head is in vain as I know its only because you hate waiting for me to blow dry it on a regular basis. I must remind you, it only takes about ten minutes. I know its upsetting that we have to pause our conversations for my nightly routine, but would you rather have a best friend with horrible hair? I didn’t think so. I’ll shave my head when you shave yours*, ok Scooter? Talk to you later.

Forever,
Stephanie Sparer
President of The Official Stephanie Sparer Fan Club

*Just kidding. No I won’t. (Please don’t ever shave your head either.)

Letter number seven:

Subj: Women of Faith unite!
Date: 9/10/2003 9:53:08 PM US Mountain Standard Time
From: -----
To: stefispice@hotmail.com

Dear Friend:

Are you ready for the Great Adventure of a Lifetime? The Women of Faith's all new conference The Great Adventure Tour coming to Ft. Lauderdale, FL at the Office Depot Center on October 18-19. Experience revitalizing stories full of humor and insight, powerful and engaging dramatic presentations and stirring music that will leave you motivated and refreshed. Experience Jesus in a brand new way! Don’t miss out! Sign up now!


Dear Women of Faith,

I am Jewish. I don’t wish to “experience Jesus in a brand new way” because I like the old testament. I like to stick to the original. Disney is full of Jews, you’d think they’d think that too, but nooo they keep making straight to video sequels to old classic cartoon movies like Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, and 101 Dalmatians. They are seriously messing up a good thing. They even came out with a new movie for Lilo and Stich which only came out like, a year ago. Its upsetting to see all of these crappy sequels. Regular Disney cartoon movies have really gone down the toilet. I mean, Brother Bear? What is that? Who wants to see that? You want something about nature, go watch Pocahontas (which also has a straight to video sequel). Its been done Disney, its been done. Give it up and make another Monsters Inc. or something. I’m sure its coming soon. I mean, there are nine Toy Story movies. Ten if you count the Buzz Lightyear spin off straight to video cartoon. Disney, Michael Eisner, Mickey- you disgust me (but I love that Lizzie McGuire! Keep up the good work!)

See ya real soon,
S.T.E.F.I

Letter number eight:

Subj: I improve myself every day! Again!
Date: 6/12/2003 11:23:33 PM US Mountain Standard Time
From: Beasta342@aol.com
To: stefispice@hotmail.com
Dear Stefi,

You haven't replied yet?! I emailed you yesterday and I haven't gotten anything back yet? And I KNOW you were online. I have you on my buddy list and everything! That is not cool at all Stefi. I thought we were tight like that, but I guess not!

But, I guess I can forgive you for now. I still want to get to know you and meet you in person. Every time you mention going out, I feel like I'm there with you, and I dream about what it would be like to spend a night with you. Your hair is so nice, and your skin looks so soft. I could just eat you up! Or out! Hee hee! But seriously, I MUST hear back from you! I'm going crazy here! I'm sorry if my last email was a bit scary, but it's just that I don't have many friends, and I'm afraid to go out because I think that people will laugh at me and make fun of my an Heather for being lesbians, but then I read your blog, and I could relate to you so much. I often find myself thinking the same things as you, and I feel like I connect with you on a whole other level. It's like we share the same minds. I swear that if I had the chance I'd take you in a second.

We were meant to be together, Stefi. I just know it. Everytime you pose a question, I feel like you are talking to me because I know EXACTLY how you feel! You're the best friend that i've never had, but I want that to change. Do you believe in love at first sight? Well I do, and well....let's just say that I'm hurting right now. Hurting that you're not near. I'm sorry. I have to go now. My girlfriend again. Bye bye! Kisses!

Love always,
Judy


Dude, seriously, Andrew. Stop. Its just weird now (but my hair is nice, thanks).

Warm Reqards,
Stephanie

Letter number nine:

Subj: Legal action will be taken.
Date: 7/12/2003 9:24:33 PM US Mountain Standard Time
From: -----
To: stefispice@hotmail.com

I am not messing around with you. If you do not remove your page from the web I will take legal action against you. Your website is a bad influence for everyone, offensive, and you are a very rude, ignorant person.

Yea, ok. I’ve only gotten like 25 of these in the past year. Here’s a heads up Ally McBeal- no one cares. I have an idea for you; if you find my blog offensive- don’t read it. Its really as simple as that. Yes, its true! If you think its so terrible and a bad influence, do yourself a favor and click it off. So simple, so quick, yet you still come back every day and read. You keep hoping that I’ve updated because you love it. Admit it, you love my blog. You can’t get enough of it. What am I gonna say next? What am I gonna say? You wish you were me. You wish it all the time. “Damn,” you say, “Why can’t I be more like Stefi? I hate her.” So go ahead, keep sending your hate mail. I love it. It means I made an impact on you. How does it feel, bitch?

Best wishes in all of your future endeavors,
Stephanie Sparer

Number one on Blogarama since August 2003

Alright, let's close it up.

Until next time-

Quote of the day:
"If I was going to rape anyone at this table, it'd be Dustin."
-- Lorenzi talking about how Dustin looks like he's eight.

100 days until I get John off.

“I don’t know whether I’m happy or sad.. My world is askew.”

I figure its been a week and you all deserve a blog.
Let’s see.. what’s been happening?

I was PMSing a majority of last week. That wasn’t fun. I’ve been so damn tired lately. I don’t sleep enough. And we’re teenagers you know, so we’re not meant to go to bed at nine PM. Not that we could anyway since we all have about 5 hours of HW and night and some us (not me of course) but some of us have jobs so there’s no time. No time for anything. Time management? What the hell is that? Wasn’t that a movie? Thank g0d I have TIVo or I’d never see S club 7. No time. No time. I realized though, I get really tired from about 7:30 Am to 11 AM. I’ve learned to take notes with my eyes closed (no joke, try to watch me during third hour.) The eyes are closing, the pens still moving and amazingly I can still read my notes. Go figure. And then from about 11 AM to 2 PM. I’m good. I’m fine. I’m up, ready to take on the day. Then I realize around 3:30 PM that I’m tired. I stay tired until about 7 PM and then I’m wired until about, 2 AM.
This would be all fine and dandy if I didn’t have to get up at 5 Am.

You get so bold at 2 AM when you’re setting the alarm clock. Or at least I do.
“Hell yea. Gonna get up at 5 tomorrow. Gonna do my hair, my make up. Get to school an hour early, study for that math test. Oh yea. Its gonna be good.”

Three hours later, after you’ve hit the snooze button at least 65 times, its quarter to 7 and you’re thinking about how many classes you can sleep through.. wondering if maybe today you can be “sick” during 2rd hour to get out of class and take a nap in the nurse’s office or something.

And what’s with the snooze button that its only nine minutes? Oh thank G0d I had those nine extra minutes! I feel so much more refreshed now! Woo! Ten minutes would have been just too much, really. Overkill. Who feels refreshed after an extra nine minutes? Nine minutes isn’t a snooze.. nine hours. That’s a snooze. I don’t even get nine minutes actually with my new alarm clock. I get Six. Six minutes. That’s insane. I have to hit the snooze button twice a much because of that.

I set my alarm for five but I usually don’t get out of bed until about 5:20. So set the alarm for 5:20 you say.. and I would do that except that I know if I did, I wouldn’t get out of bed until 5:40. I’d keep pushing it. “Its only another six minutes…” Eventually I’d be waking up at 6:30 AM. Rushing to make my hair perfect and really, you can’t rush perfection.

It sucks to be at school and to be absolutely shattered. Trying so hard to keep your eyes open that you honestly have no idea what’s going on in class. STAY AWAKE I’M AWAKE that’s all you think. Then you hear your name being called and all of the sudden NOW you’re awake, but you have no idea what’s going on.
“So, what do you say Stephanie?”
What are we doing? Are we still talking about radicals? Conservatives? What did she say?
And so then, you have no other choice but to say “I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?” The class rolls theirs eyes if they’re awake the teacher shakes their head.
Now either the question is something completely stupid, or something that would have been easy had you been listening. The joys of 4 hours of sleep. I’m seriously surprised I’m not dead yet.

Quote of the day:

“We were never friends- We only pretended to be.”
-- Johnny English at her best.

“Hollywood Squares: Where TV Stars go to die.”

So, what’s up with Stefi you might wonder?
I’ll tell ya; Nothin’.
Zilch.
Nadda.
Zero.
Zip.
Dick.

My days have been incredibly boring lately.
Not that they were ever terribly exciting to begin with.. I mean sure, I had the odd one here or there.. but let’s face it- my life is dull. I come home, do my homework and nap. If I’m lucky; I get to clear the table after dinner.

Why have my days been so incredibly dry?
Its not that school hasn’t been fun.. If you don’t count math and American History, its been the best year ever so far.. but nothing even remotely interesting has happened. I don’t have anything great to share with my semi-loyal readers. No funny stories to pepper your night with. I. Have. Nothing.
And I hate to say this but..
I think I lost my mojo.
Baby.

Some, a select few, may argue that I never had it to begin with.. but nevertheless, I feel it is lost. Someone, anyone, preferably a hot guy, please help me find it again. Even if you don’t want to help me find it and you’re hot please call me and we’ll get together. You don’t have to be really hot, just a little hot. Cute, I’ll take cute. E-mail is at the top of the page or leave a comment or something.. anything..
I mean, not that I’m shallow or anything… I’m not, if you have a really good personality, you don’t have to be hot.. If you’re cool you can e-mail me too. Or call.. or.. randomly attack me in the hall and make out with me…
Please no girls.
Oh and please live in the Phoenix area.. and if you go to NCHS that’d be double great.
Thanks.

Annnnnyway…

Surfing the web this fine evening after writing an essay on Native American Culture and found a picture of our favorite person.. Mrs. Rosenberg!




She had this posted on a Wizard of Oz fan page. I wasn’t there checking out the munchkins. I swear. It was research.

Funny thing though.. is that Daniel Thai was on there too.


What an odd couple.

G0d that joke just never gets old... ok, well maybe a little..


And now for cameo mention of a blog reader;
Tasha Reinmosky from Santa Monica, California.
And this has been a cameo mention of a blog reader.

Quote of the day:
Stefi: I just fit a penis joke into my essay on Native American Literature. Matt'll be so proud.
-- Me randomly to Lorzeni this afternoon while I was writing my essay.

115 days until I get John off.

“Nice choice in seating.”

Ok, so I know its been a while since I’ve blogged, but my Internet was down so I couldn’t blog even if I wanted to.. but well, to be honest.. I didn’t want to anyway.

I’m ready to blog again though. I feel its my time.

So, Labor Day was last weekend meaning the end of white pants and sundresses, what should be the end of wearing flip-flops EVERYWHERE, and more importantly; technically, signaling the end of summer.

“Um.. the end of summer was August 17, dumb ass.” You might be saying right now, but unlike the moronic Arizona, school in the rest of the country starts the day after Labor Day. So while we had already been in school two weeks, kids back east were stressing over which back to school thong really goes with those low rider jeans they just love oh so much for their first big day.

I know I’m a week late, but its time for my End of Summer Evaluation Blowout. Here’s what I learned over the summer;

Midget Porn is magical and frightening all at the same time.
--Midget Porn


Often times, remix = techno.
- Outing

I really didn’t know though!
- Outing

Awatuki is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
- Outing

Nightmares do come true.
- Locker 2023 is 5 feet from Rosie’s door.

I make really good smoothies.
- June

I also do a mean Jan Brady impression.
- June

Never wear matching denim. Your jean jacket should not match your jeans.
- Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Gay people are fabulous!
- Queer Eye

Will & Grace is some good TV.
- TiVoed WGN Will & Grace reruns

I rule.
- www.blogarama.com

I will never go blonde.
- Mandi

The satisfaction that you get when people you don’t like show up to school looking really bad. It never disappoints and continually delivers.
- No names will be mentioned. But I’m sure, we all know…

I am neither Fair nor Balanced.
- FOX News, Al Franken

Midget cows, robotic or otherwise, are terrifying especially when accompanied by a giant black lady.
- Outing

The Weiner Mobile is real.
- Outing

Even if I wanted to make a joke about how bad Justin to Kelly , Gigli, or The Incredible Hulk were, I can’t because no one saw them.
- EW magazine, Yahoo!

No one can pronounce Gigli, and no one cares.
- EW, Rolling Stone, Yahoo!, ect.

I still rule.
-- Blogarama.com

Don’t be a pussy, go into the intersection when making a left turn.
-- Matt

ID pictures are never good.
- School, Permit

You miss school until you actually have to go back.
- August 18

I am beautiful.
- Christina Aguilera

The car is a weapon! And I’m not kidding!
- My mommy

Chill is something you do to Jell-O.
-- Matt

Hilary Duff sings?
- Metamorphosis

Correction; all Disney Channel Television Stars sing.
- Disney Circle of Stars sing Circle of Life

The Olsen Twins may be dumb, but they are still America’s Fantasy.
- Rolling Stone

S’mores burned over a roaring fire full of Chemistry Papers taste better than the ones you toast over a regular fire.
- 1st Annual Burning Party 2003

Palate expanders suck.
- June

There’s more than one Jenna. Kinda.
- Crazy Jims

Fez hats, are rare, but cool.
- Ritz

YOU CAN ALTER YOUR DESTINY!
- Vikki Johnson

Don’t bother going to a real restaurant when you can have In N Out.
- Matt

Pirates are badass.
- Pirates of the Caribbean

Anyone would rather do Gary Coleman over The Pope because the shirts you’d get to make afterward are too cool.
- Lorenzi

You really can live off of Gummi Savers.
- Stephanie

The Giant Kit Kat is still somewhere out there.
- Stephanie

There are fucking rainbows everywhere!
- My mom

Staying up until 6 AM every night for three months is probably not the best idea I’ve ever had.
- Stephanie

Eventually, you can get sick of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. TV reruns and otherwise..
- Stephanie

Locker Fest never disappoints.
- Locker Fest 2003

With a little creativity, you can have fun with just a camera and a piece of caution tape.
- Locker Fest 2003

Keanu Reeves looks good even in a dress.
- The Matrix


And that has been my End of Summer Evaluation Blowout.

Quote of the day:
“I never expected to have a female Matt in my class! And you’re the male Stephanie!”
-- Murphy-Tick, my English teacher and Matt’s old English teacher, today when she was talking to both of us.