"I touched your pen, man!"
Anthony is the kind of guy you knew back in high school. He’s that one untouchable jock who lived for extra-curricular activities. He is the guy who scored the winning touchdown at the homecoming game, brought the hot cheerleader to Prom, and hardly ever showed up to class and yet still managed to graduate.
I know this because he keeps telling me.
“So, like, seriously, my senior year? Never went to school!” he shrugs and tries to smile in a modest way, like he isn’t embarrassed that he’s a braggart.
Anthony cannot seem to forget his glory days of high school. And, he is not alone.
I find that there are just loads of people in college who apparently went to high school with the cast of 90210 in the land of make-believe and awesomeness – a place I have never been seeing as how my high school experience was loaded with crack whores, Goths, and kids who spoke only in Will Ferrell quotes.
“Man,” Anthony carries on as we wait for our Geography lab to begin, “I seriously got so much ass in high school. I was the captain of my swim team, you know, so like, I was really ripped,” he pauses, “Like, more-so than I am now.” Please note: The only thing he has ripped now are his pants, which are too small to pack in his beer gut.
Some people just can't let go of the past.
“You have to go to your high school reunion,” my dentist, Julie, tells me over dinner. She’s a family friend and every Wednesday we go out to eat. “I went to my last one and, it had been twenty years but the same stupid jocks who got high and bumped chests as a hobby were still high and still bumping chests at the reunion!” She puts her fork down, “Have you ever seen fat, greasy, forty-year-old men bump chests? You have to! It’s wicked!”
I had never before considered going to my high school reunion. I can already tell you who gets fat, who gets skinny (if only from lipo); who is poor and who is wealthy. I can tell you who became a drug dealer, a failed muscian, a Target team member, and a porn star if only because I went to the same high school as everyone else in the world. Not the glorified high school that makes its way onto movie screens and television sets, but the gritty, disgusting, dismal, and depressing high school that forces kids to wear short shorts on cold winter days for PE and give speeches on dead presidents and bad literature. I know that in ten years, when I see these people again –if I see these people again-, everything will have stayed the same. I will still hate them all.
“I’ll be in town this weekend,” a friend attending an ivy league school back east with some help from Daddy told me a few weekends back. Her father had donated so much to the university to counter her below superb grades and SAT scores I was surprised her dorm hadn’t been renamed in her honor. “We should hit up the high school.” I kindly decline and offer to get coffee with her instead. “You’re missing out!” She tells me. “I’m gonna see everyone!”
That’s what I’m afraid of.
It is outbursts like hers that leave me baffled. I understand that for some people, high school was about as good as their life will ever get, but College is the time to let go of inhibitions. Go ahead, go gay for a semester, no'll mind. Join baseball without being the captain or date an ugly person. Experiment a little. This is supposed to be the time of your life… or whatever.
Quote of the day:
Johnny (an old family friend talking to my cousin who recently had breast implants about my sister and me): “I remember when they were small!”
Me (to Johnny as I point to my cousin’s breasts): “I remember when they were small too!”
- At my cousin’s engagement party this weekend.
I know this because he keeps telling me.
“So, like, seriously, my senior year? Never went to school!” he shrugs and tries to smile in a modest way, like he isn’t embarrassed that he’s a braggart.
Anthony cannot seem to forget his glory days of high school. And, he is not alone.
I find that there are just loads of people in college who apparently went to high school with the cast of 90210 in the land of make-believe and awesomeness – a place I have never been seeing as how my high school experience was loaded with crack whores, Goths, and kids who spoke only in Will Ferrell quotes.
“Man,” Anthony carries on as we wait for our Geography lab to begin, “I seriously got so much ass in high school. I was the captain of my swim team, you know, so like, I was really ripped,” he pauses, “Like, more-so than I am now.” Please note: The only thing he has ripped now are his pants, which are too small to pack in his beer gut.
Some people just can't let go of the past.
“You have to go to your high school reunion,” my dentist, Julie, tells me over dinner. She’s a family friend and every Wednesday we go out to eat. “I went to my last one and, it had been twenty years but the same stupid jocks who got high and bumped chests as a hobby were still high and still bumping chests at the reunion!” She puts her fork down, “Have you ever seen fat, greasy, forty-year-old men bump chests? You have to! It’s wicked!”
I had never before considered going to my high school reunion. I can already tell you who gets fat, who gets skinny (if only from lipo); who is poor and who is wealthy. I can tell you who became a drug dealer, a failed muscian, a Target team member, and a porn star if only because I went to the same high school as everyone else in the world. Not the glorified high school that makes its way onto movie screens and television sets, but the gritty, disgusting, dismal, and depressing high school that forces kids to wear short shorts on cold winter days for PE and give speeches on dead presidents and bad literature. I know that in ten years, when I see these people again –if I see these people again-, everything will have stayed the same. I will still hate them all.
“I’ll be in town this weekend,” a friend attending an ivy league school back east with some help from Daddy told me a few weekends back. Her father had donated so much to the university to counter her below superb grades and SAT scores I was surprised her dorm hadn’t been renamed in her honor. “We should hit up the high school.” I kindly decline and offer to get coffee with her instead. “You’re missing out!” She tells me. “I’m gonna see everyone!”
That’s what I’m afraid of.
It is outbursts like hers that leave me baffled. I understand that for some people, high school was about as good as their life will ever get, but College is the time to let go of inhibitions. Go ahead, go gay for a semester, no'll mind. Join baseball without being the captain or date an ugly person. Experiment a little. This is supposed to be the time of your life… or whatever.
Quote of the day:
Johnny (an old family friend talking to my cousin who recently had breast implants about my sister and me): “I remember when they were small!”
Me (to Johnny as I point to my cousin’s breasts): “I remember when they were small too!”
- At my cousin’s engagement party this weekend.